


Your denial is ruining the paperwork

by boarsnsmores



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F, Gen, also featuring the improper use of city supplies, and possibly that filing cabinet, like the paperwork
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-22
Updated: 2016-01-22
Packaged: 2018-05-15 13:43:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5787394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boarsnsmores/pseuds/boarsnsmores
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Swan Queen Week Day 4 - Sloth</p>
<p>Emma and Regina shirk their duties at the same time, for the same amount of time, in the same areas. But that's none of Deputy Mulan's business.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Your denial is ruining the paperwork

**Author's Note:**

> So late. We'll see if I can't get to the other 3 before the week ends.
> 
> I have a lot of Strong Opinions on Mulan in S2 and I haven't gotten to her episode in S5 so you get the Mulan of my vaguely remembered canon which is essentially poorly remembered fanon except this is a SQ fic so there's not really any sort of Mulan development but it did spawn [a drabble](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5787481) I wrote to orient this fic but it became wholly unnecessary and I've lost my point.
> 
> This can best be summarized as a fic featuring Mulan but is actually about Emma and Regina being immature teenagers and a weird homage to our favorite tea-drinking frog puppet.
> 
> SOP = Standard Operating Procedures and it's one of my favorite phrases, which should tell you exactly how much of a nerd I am.

"So this is your desk." Emma gestures to the desk that sits across from the cells. It's covered in paperwork, all half-filled, and topped with an aged sticky note that reads 'To-Do'. Emma scoops up the papers, ruining whatever organization system she may have had and dumps it on her own desk, "It's got a phone and everything so....yeah."

Emma is spectacularly vague about her new responsibilities. "So what does this job require of me?" Mulan asks because if she doesn't, Emma may never tell her.

A painfully elongated "Ummmmmm" and then "Well, it used to be that we just wrote parking tickets and saved legally own pets from trees. We still do that, but now we also have to make sure people don't kill each other or weird things from portals don't kill people too. It's a lot of sitting around, to be honest. Less so than before I, uh, well, broke the curse, but more now that nothing's threatening to I dunno, erase our existence or whatever. It's kind of a nice break."

That was....not as helpful as Mulan wanted but she can't imagine that someone like the Evil Queen would have created a lawless town so she just nods and when she's free from Emma's attention, she digs through what she thinks is a storeroom until she pulls out a dusty binder labelled 'Storybrooke Sheriff's Department SOP'. Judging from its convenient place stuck behind a file cabinet filled with untouched paperwork, Mulan assumes that Emma's never opened this binder.

* * *

They settle into a comfortable rhythm. Emma takes the morning shift so that she's off by the time Henry gets off school and she can pick him up whenever it's her week. Mulan comes in at noon, around Emma's lunch break, and works the afternoon into the night. They trade the responsibilities of fielding off-hour calls every week. Mulan learns how to work a smartphone and it's like having magic in her hand.

Storybrooke is easy to adjust to compared to the things Mulan's had to survive and it leaves her with plenty of mental resources to notice small things.

When she started, Emma's lunch consisted of whatever single serve bag of chips she bought in bulk from the grocery store. Occasionally Granny's, if she could’ve been bothered to leave. As it is, Emma prefers playing with her smartphone (probably texting or 'Candy Crush' - she won't stop talking about it) or bunching up what must be important paperwork and throwing it into the trashcan (she misses and hits Mulan a lot).

One day, Mayor Mills strides in right as Emma's dramatically announcing how she's about to score the last shot against the timer in this game, basketball. It surprises them both enough that Emma's aim worsens (she didn't even know this was possible) and the paper ball goes soaring into the air as they both suck in a breath.

It hits Mayor Mills' chest with a soft _twack_. They're both staring now, still holding their breath and Mulan wonders if Emma's going to be murdered and Mulan's going to have to arrest the mayor and why aren't these cells enchanted against magic? Terrible foresight, she'll have to put in the paperwork to get that fixed because gods know Emma won't.

To Mayor Mills' credit, she keeps a straight face, the only movement one eyebrow raised so high Mulan wonders if it'll just keep rising and never come back down. This is a ridiculous thought and a testament to Emma's poor influence on her.

"Ms. Swan, I see you're once again putting taxpayer dollars to good use. What is it this time, practicing your pattern recognition skills? Ensuring that the sheriff is alert when danger strikes? Developing the foundations of ingenuity under pressure?"

Mulan can't help the snort, although she strangles most of it. Emma glares at her betrayal, "Hey, those are all valid and important skills for a sheriff to have!" she claims, indignant, "And I was just...explaining some pop culture to Mulan. Getting her better accustomed to this world."

The eyebrow goes higher than Mulan thought it could and she puts up both her hands, signalling her refusal to become involved in this.

"Well Ms. Swan, I was going to invite you out for lunch. Seeing as you're responsible for half of Henry's nutrition, I feel a need to teach you that corn chips are not a balanced meal for a growing boy. They're not even part of a balanced meal. But if you're busy-"

"No, no!" Emma gets up so quickly she scatters some of the (untouched) paperwork on her desk, "We can do lunch."

Mayor Mills acknowledges Mulan's presence as Emma waves goodbye. She digs through that file cabinet for the Equipment Upgrade Request form and thinks nothing more of the incident.

It won't cross her mind again until one day, Emma's late returning from lunch (and thereby late for their weekly meeting to discuss the department) and returns from it a little flustered. "Sorry, sorry!" she says, "You know how those lunch lines can be, Granny's was crazy today."

Mulan knows she's lying because Ruby had texted her `omg so bored save me mulan what do i pay you for` but she supposes what Emma does on her lunch break is her own business. She can't help but be a little more observant though, notice the slightly rumpled look of Emma's hair and the poor tuck of her shirt. It's the one button unbuttoned on her jeans that damns her though and Mulan really wishes she hadn't gone down this train of thought.

She really, _really_ doesn't want to think about it, but she's still the mind that saved Chin through a spear of battle, sharpened by strategy, and so once she's become aware of it, she can't stop seeing it. Emma taps her phone differently when she plays Candy Crush than when she texts and she texts Mayor Mills in a very particular manner which means Mulan always knows the moment Mayor Mills starts texting Emma. Emma tries - she keeps her phone on silent, but she also always gets that ridiculous grin whenever Mayor Mills texts, so she might as well not've bothered. Emma'll also stare at the clock around 11:45, willing it to go faster and then practically sprint out the door when it hits 12.

Mulan tries not to think about it by focusing on their poor rate and quality of paperwork completion but fails when she inevitably wonders at the reasons for their abysmal record keeping.

She really needs to talk to Emma about the paperwork.

* * *

Emma asks Mulan to watch Henry one day, something about fairy rings and the edge of town that needs both Mayor Mills' and her presence. She considers declining, citing the Storybrooke Sheriff's Department Code of Conduct, but she wants to ask Henry something and it's not like Emma actually knows a single line of any of the impressively detailed rules and regulations.

Mulan finds herself trapped in this office with Henry and regrets her decision. Children are not her forte. Does she feed him? Find him something to do? What is there to do in here? She's certainly not going to promote more wasting of paper for something as inane as '3 points!'. He seems like a bright boy, maybe he will entertain himself while Mulan tries to figure out how to ask this more delicately than, "Are your mothers having sex at inappropriate times and why is no one stopping them? Someone please stop them; this paperwork looks like it was filled out by a drunk Leroy."

Henry is, in fact, a bright boy and pulls out his smartphone to...play Candy Crush. Of course. This is okay, she can focus on how she wants to ask this question which she has no real business asking but at the same time, _paperwork_. He's old enough to hear this, right? If they were still in the old realm, he'd have known about these things by now but they do things differently here, dedicate entire classes to it and parents go through this rite of passage and-

"I can hear you thinking. What's up?" he asks, not looking up from his game.

Some battles she can plan, some she must simply take on faith, "Henry. You know I work with your mother, yes?"

"Duh. You're pretty cool and you do a really good job at the entire keeping order thing."

He likes her, good - that will make this easier, "I've...noticed some things. Your mothers are...close." Delicately. Delicately.

He rolls his eyes, "Oh my god, Mulan. Please don't talk about my moms like that. I'm too young to be this traumatized and that's saying something, considering I got kidnapped to Neverland and nearly died."

Not delicate enough.

He stops his game, "Yeah, they're sneaking around and trying to keep it a secret, but they're really bad at it. Don't say anything - I've gotten an increase in my allowance and I managed to convince Mom to get me an iPad for Christmas. Whatever they're doing, the profits are insane and I think I can get a PS4 too if this keeps up."

Mulan wants to tell him that the upkeep of the town is more important than a new device, but he's been through so much that this world couldn't possibly prepare him for that she can't find it in her to ruin this small grace for him. She sighs and gets back to work trying to decipher Emma's handwriting so that she can write up a new, more acceptable copy.

When Emma and Mayor Mills return, there's a stray branch in Emma's hair and one of Mayor Mills' heels have broken (why was she even wearing heels in the forest? This is such an impractical land).

"Tripped." is all Emma says, but the light flush still on Mayor Mills' cheeks betray them. Mulan shares a look with Henry, who does his best to convey _don't mess this up for me_ through his eyebrows (terrible - he's no Mayor Mills although he tries).

"Did you find the fairy rings?" she asks instead.

"What? Oh, right, false alarm." Emma brushes off, heading out with Mayor Mills and Henry before Mulan can tell her she still needs to file paperwork for the excursion.

* * *

Normally, Emma goes to meet with Mayor Mills for their weekly department report (are these meetings or 'meetings'? She really needs to stop thinking about this), but Mulan insists on going this time. She needs to discuss some of the paperwork she filed earlier that she never received a response about and strongly thinks they need (paperwork like that Equipment Upgrade Request form).

Mayor Mills' secretary informs her over the intercom that "The Sheriff's Department is here for the weekly report" and sends Mulan in when she receives the okay from Mayor Mills. The secretary has a look on her face (relief? From wh-oh gods) but Mulan puts it out of her mind.

"Madame Mayor." she greets and Mayor Mills clearly wasn't expecting her because she catches her face fall almost imperceptibly before schooling itself into its professional veneer.

"Deputy." she returns, "I'm surprised to see you today - normally Em-Ms. Swan comes."

Mulan nods. Just barrel through, she thinks, "Yes, I wanted to talk to you about some things and Sheriff Swan has a less than stellar record when it comes to filing paperwork."

Mayor Mills laughs at this, "Ah, yes. I must thank you for improving the paperwork that comes to my office. Sometimes I wonder if I would receive clearer reports if I hired Abu to scribble on the lines."

She's not taking sides in this, "That would be between you, Sheriff Swan, and Abu, Ma'am. I'm here to follow up on some paperwork I filed near the beginning of my tenure as deputy that seems to have been forgotten."

Mayor Mills thinks for a moment, "I seem to recall some paperwork requesting protection and barrier spells on the cells? I thought I processed that - it was a very practical request; I'm not sure why it wasn't done before."

Because this is a town filled with oblivious people who can't spot the obvious, Mulan thinks to herself but doesn't voice because she doesn't want to be fired. Mayor Mills shuffles through a pile of papers on her desk that reminds her of the ones on Emma's desk. Mayor Mills doesn't seem like the kind of person to let paperwork pile up. Something must have really preoccupied her and gods, she really needs to stop thinking about this. A piece of paper slips out and flutters toward the ground, landing near a filing cabinet that appears to actually see use, considering it's dinged and in reach, as opposed to pristine and tucked into the corner of a storeroom. She moves to pick it up but her hand stills when she gets close.

Why. Just, why. What did she do to deserve any of this?

Mayor Mills looks up mid-thanks to see why Mulan's stopped moving, following her arm until her eyes rest on the object that's arrested Mulan.

It's the sheriff's badge, tucked between the cabinet and the wall. Mulan knows because Emma tore apart the office looking for it and then blamed its loss on the sentient piles of paper (which Mulan pointed out, wouldn't exist if Emma just kept up with them). She had to order Emma a new one.

She's grateful that Emma's not here, who would probably panic, have a meltdown, and then do something asinine like jump out the window which would then require Mulan to drive her to a hospital and then fill out that paperwork. Both she and Mayor Mills are perfectly capable of keeping straight faces and pretending like this doesn't mean what they both know it means.

"Well, you know Ms. Swan," she says to recover, "always losing her things."

Mulan just hands her the paper and the badge and they pass the rest of the meeting in awkward formality. Mayor Mills finds the forms, approved but not slipped into the outgoing box. She does so now and when Mulan leaves, she shares a look of knowing suffering with the secretary (Ruby tells her later that it's a 'thousand yard stare').

* * *

Mulan's at Granny's when she finally snaps, when this entire pretense is too much to carry. She's at the bar, drinking some Lipton tea (which is not real tea, but they don't have anything better) when Mayor Mills stalks in, headed straight for the table where Emma and Henry are eating.

They argue about something, which Mulan actively refuses to pay attention to (Food choices? Bedtimes? It's Henry-related from the loud yelling she can't actually block out), until Mayor Mills stalks right back out. When she glances a look back over, Emma's staring at her but also trying to look like she isn't and Mulan knows that Emma knows Mulan knows and that this argument was for her benefit.

Ruby has informed her that it isn't respectable to drink before the early evening hours but Ruby isn't one to care for such ceremony. She'll put alcohol in this poor excuse for tea. She has weathered worse, she tells herself, she will survive this. She almost believes it too, until Mary Margaret slides up next to her with a sigh, "They were getting along so well too." and _how does this woman not see this?_ She's about to tell Mary Margaret all about how well they get along when Ruby drags her away from her seat, claiming a need for an extra pair of hands.

"What?" Mulan hisses because she's had it up to here with shoddy paperwork and lost paperwork and people not doing their damn jobs for the sake of _personal time_.

"Hey, hey." Ruby tries, "I know they're being really blatant about it, but we're trying to respect their wishes for privacy."

She thinks that if they want privacy, they should stop having sex in publicly-owned places on taxpayer-sanctioned hours. Her distaste must show on her face because Ruby continues, "Storybrooke isn't really normal, you know? It doesn't hurt anyone and they deserve some happiness in their life - gods know they give it up every disaster we have."

When Mulan looks out from the kitchen entrance, she sees Emma talking to Henry, a look of contentment on her face she hadn't had back in the old realm. Granted, they were trying to survive ogres and all-powerful sorceresses, among other things, but Emma'd had a haunted look about her, deeply set in her eyes, that she doesn't recall seeing anymore these past few months. She sighs, "I need alcohol."

When she returns to her seat at the bar, Mary Margaret is still there but Mulan says nothing, if only because Ruby compromised but is also watching her threateningly. All she can do is sip at her Hennessy-laced Lipton tea and try not to judge everyone involved.

This is an absurd town and she doesn't know how they haven't all accidentally combusted or met some other unfortunate but entirely avoidable demise. The mayor and the sheriff are sleeping together frequently and obviously and Mary Margaret, stepdaughter to one and mother to the other, is completely oblivious.

But it's none of her business.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, but hear me out.
> 
> Stoic Mulan, sitting there, trying to fill out this paperwork as best she can (Emma has her name on this one and nothing else. It's the 'Equipment Damage Report' form but there's no other indication as to what's actually supposed to be on it) when she hears the crumpling of paper and before she can tell Emma 'no', she hears it hit her face. Emma doesn't even look abashed anymore, this happens so often, and Mulan just sighs, long and suffering.
> 
> I live for these kinds of plot-useless headcanons, okay.
> 
> As always, I'm here and on [tumblr](http://boarsnsmores.tumblr.com/). Come say hi, critique my work, throw prompts at me, whatever.


End file.
